I will
paedicate
and irrumate you!
Catullus - Carmina
Pedicabo ego vos et inrumabo,
Aureli pathice et cinaede Furi,
Qui me ex versiculis meis putastis,
Quod sunt molliculi, parum pudicum.
Nam castum esse decet pium poetam 5
Ipsum, versiculos nihil necessest,
Qui tum denique habent salem ac leporem,
Si sunt molliculi ac parum pudici
Et quod pruriat incitare possunt,
Non dico pueris, sed his pilosis, 10
Qui duros nequeunt movere lumbos.
Vos, quom milia multa basiorum
Legistis, male me marem putatis?
Pedicabo ego vos et inrumabo.
XVI.
TO AURELIUS AND FURIUS IN DEFENCE OF HIS MUSE'S HONESTY.
I'll ---- you twain and ----
Pathic Aurelius! Furius, libertines!
Who durst determine from my versicles
Which seem o'er softy, that I'm scant of shame.
For pious poet it behoves be chaste 5
Himself; no chastity his verses need;
Nay, gain they finally more salt of wit
When over softy and of scanty shame,
Apt for exciting somewhat prurient,
In boys, I say not, but in bearded men 10
Who fail of movements in their hardened loins.
Ye who so many thousand kisses sung
Have read, deny male masculant I be?
You twain I'll ---- and ----
I will paedicate and irrumate you, Aurelius the bardache and Furius the
cinaede, who judge me from my verses rich in love-liesse, to be their equal
in modesty. For it behoves your devout poet to be chaste himself; his
verses--not of necessity. Which verses, in a word, may have a spice and
volupty, may have passion's cling and such like decency, so that they can
incite with ticklings, I do not say boys, but bearded ones whose stiffened
limbs amort lack pliancy in movement. You, because of many thousand kisses
you have read, think me womanish.
I will paedicate and irrumate you!
XVII.
O Colonia, quae cupis ponte ludere longo,
Et salire paratum habes, sed vereris inepta
Crura ponticuli assulis stantis in redivivis,
Ne supinus eat cavaque in palude recumbat;
Sic tibi bonus ex tua pons libidine fiat, 5
In quo vel Salisubsili sacra suscipiantur:
Munus hoc mihi maximi da, Colonia, risus.
Quendam municipem meum de tuo volo ponte
Ire praecipitem in lutum per caputque pedesque,
Verum totius ut lacus putidaeque paludis 10
Lividissima maximeque est profunda vorago.
Insulsissimus est homo, nec sapit pueri instar
Bimuli tremula patris dormientis in ulna.
Quoi cum sit viridissimo nupta flore puella
(Et puella tenellulo delicatior haedo, 15
Adservanda nigerrimis diligentius uvis),
Ludere hanc sinit ut lubet, nec pili facit uni,
Nec se sublevat ex sua parte, sed velut alnus
In fossa Liguri iacet suppernata securi,
Tantundem omnia sentiens quam si nulla sit usquam, 20
Talis iste meus stupor nil videt, nihil audit,
Ipse qui sit, utrum sit an non sit, id quoque nescit.
Nunc eum volo de tuo ponte mittere pronum,
Si pote stolidum repente excitare veternum
Et supinum animum in gravi derelinquere caeno, 25
Ferream ut soleam tenaci in voragine mula.
XVII.
OF A "PREDESTINED" HUSBAND.
Colony! fain to display thy games on length of thy town-bridge!
There, too, ready to dance, though fearing the shaking of crazy
Logs of the Bridgelet propt on pier-piles newly renewed,
Lest supine all sink deep-merged in the marish's hollow,
So may the bridge hold good when builded after thy pleasure 5
Where Salisubulus' rites with solemn function are sacred,
As thou (Colony! ) grant me boon of mightiest laughter.
Certain a townsman mine I'd lief see thrown from thy gangway
Hurled head over heels precipitous whelmed in the quagmire,
Where the lake and the boglands are most rotten and stinking, 10
Deepest and lividest lie, the swallow of hollow voracious.
Witless surely the wight whose sense is less than of boy-babe
Two-year-old and a-sleep on trembling forearm of father.
He though wedded to girl in greenest bloom of her youth-tide,
(Bride-wife daintier bred than ever was delicate kidlet, 15
Worthier diligent watch than grape-bunch blackest and ripest)
Suffers her sport as she please nor rates her even at hair's worth,
Nowise 'stirring himself, but lying log-like as alder
Felled and o'er floating the fosse of safe Ligurian woodsman,
Feeling withal, as though such spouse he never had own'd; 20
So this marvel o' mine sees naught, and nothing can hear he,
What he himself, an he be or not be, wholly unknowing.
