No More Learning

"

"No doubt," said I, "they settled who
Was fittest to be sent
Yet still to choose a brat like you,
To haunt a man of forty-two,
Was no great compliment! "

"I'm not so young, Sir," he replied,
"As you might think. The fact is,
In caverns by the water-side,
And other places that I've tried,
I've had a lot of practice:

"But I have never taken yet
A strict domestic part,
And in my flurry I forget
The Five Good Rules of Etiquette
We have to know by heart. "

My sympathies were warming fast
Towards the little fellow:
He was so utterly aghast
At having found a Man at last,
And looked so scared and yellow.

[Picture: In caverns by the water-side]

"At least," I said, "I'm glad to find
A Ghost is not a _dumb_ thing!
But pray sit down: you'll feel inclined
(If, like myself, you have not dined)
To take a snack of something:

"Though, certainly, you don't appear
A thing to offer _food_ to!
And then I shall be glad to hear--
If you will say them loud and clear--
The Rules that you allude to. "

"Thanks! You shall hear them by and by.
This _is_ a piece of luck! "
"What may I offer you? " said I.
"Well, since you _are_ so kind, I'll try
A little bit of duck.

"_One_ slice! And may I ask you for
Another drop of gravy?
"
I sat and looked at him in awe,
For certainly I never saw
A thing so white and wavy.

And still he seemed to grow more white,
More vapoury, and wavier--
Seen in the dim and flickering light,
As he proceeded to recite
His "Maxims of Behaviour. "

[Picture: The Phantom dines]



CANTO II
Hys Fyve Rules


"MY First--but don't suppose," he said,
"I'm setting you a riddle--
Is--if your Victim be in bed,
Don't touch the curtains at his head,
But take them in the middle,

"And wave them slowly in and out,
While drawing them asunder;
And in a minute's time, no doubt,
He'll raise his head and look about
With eyes of wrath and wonder.

"And here you must on no pretence
Make the first observation.
Wait for the Victim to commence:
No Ghost of any common sense
Begins a conversation.

[Picture: Ghostly border] "If he should say '_How came you here_? '
(The way that _you_ began, Sir,)
In such a case your course is clear--
'_On the bat's back_, _my little dear_! '
Is the appropriate answer.

"If after this he says no more,
You'd best perhaps curtail your
Exertions--go and shake the door,
And then, if he begins to snore,
You'll know the thing's a failure.

"By day, if he should be alone--
At home or on a walk--
You merely give a hollow groan,
To indicate the kind of tone
In which you mean to talk.

"But if you find him with his friends,
The thing is rather harder.
In such a case success depends
On picking up some candle-ends,
Or butter, in the larder.

"With this you make a kind of slide
(It answers best with suet),
On which you must contrive to glide,
And swing yourself from side to side--
One soon learns how to do it.

[Picture: And swing yourself from side to side]

"The Second tells us what is right
In ceremonious calls:--
'_First burn a blue or crimson light_'
(A thing I quite forgot to-night),
'_Then scratch the door or walls_. '"

I said "You'll visit _here_ no more,
If you attempt the Guy.
I'll have no bonfires on _my_ floor--
And, as for scratching at the door,
I'd like to see you try!