No More Learning

Huc ut venimus, incidere nobis 5
Sermones varii, in quibus, quid esset
Iam Bithynia, quo modo se haberet,
Ecquonam mihi profuisset aere.
Respondi id quod erat, nihil neque ipsis
Nec praetoribus esse nec cohorti, 10
Cur quisquam caput unctius referret,
Praesertim quibus esset inrumator
Praetor, non faciens pili cohortem.
'At certe tamen, inquiunt, quod illic
Natum dicitur esse, conparasti 15
Ad lecticam homines. ' ego, ut puellae
Vnum me facerem beatiorem,
'Non' inquam 'mihi tam fuit maligne,
Vt, provincia quod mala incidisset,
Non possem octo homines parare rectos. ' 20
At mi nullus erat nec hic neque illic,
Fractum qui veteris pedem grabati
In collo sibi collocare posset.
Hic illa, ut decuit cinaediorem,
'Quaeso' inquit 'mihi, mi Catulle, paulum 25
Istos. commode enim volo ad Sarapim
Deferri. ' 'minime' inquii puellae;
* * * *
'Istud quod modo dixeram me habere,
Fugit me ratio: meus sodalis
Cinnast Gaius, is sibi paravit. 30
Verum, utrum illius an mei, quid ad me?
Vtor tam bene quam mihi pararim.
Sed tu insulsa male ac molesta vivis,
Per quam non licet esse negligentem. '

X.

HE MEETS VARUS AND MISTRESS.

Led me my Varus to his flame,
As I from Forum idling came.
Forthright some whorelet judged I it
Nor lacking looks nor wanting wit,
When hied we thither, mid us three 5
Fell various talk, as how might be
Bithynia now, and how it fared,
And if some coin I made or spared.
"There was no cause" (I soothly said)
"The Praetors or the Cohort made 10
Thence to return with oilier head;
The more when ruled by ----
Praetor, as pile the Cohort rating. "
Quoth they, "But certes as 'twas there
The custom rose, some men to bear 15
Litter thou boughtest? " I to her
To seem but richer, wealthier,
Cry, "Nay, with me 'twas not so ill
That, given the Province suffered, still
Eight stiff-backed loons I could not buy. ' 20
(Withal none here nor there owned I
Who broken leg of Couch outworn
On nape of neck had ever borne! )
Then she, as pathic piece became,
"Prithee Catullus mine, those same 25
Lend me, Serapis-wards I'd hie. "
* * * *
"Easy, on no-wise, no," quoth I,
"Whate'er was mine, I lately said
Is some mistake, my camarade
One Cinna--Gaius--bought the lot, 30
But his or mine, it matters what?
I use it freely as though bought,
Yet thou, pert troubler, most absurd,
None suffer'st speak an idle word. "

Varus drew me off to see his mistress as I was strolling from the Forum: a
little whore, as it seemed to me at the first glance, neither inelegant nor
lacking good looks. When we came in, we fell to discussing various
subjects, amongst which, how was Bithynia now, how things had gone there,
and whether I had made any money there. I replied, what was true, that
neither ourselves nor the praetors nor their suite had brought away
anything whereby to flaunt a better-scented poll, especially as our
praetor, the irrumating beast, cared not a single hair for his suite. "But
surely," she said, "you got some men to bear your litter, for they are said
to grow there? " I, to make myself appear to the girl as one of the
fortunate, "Nay," I say, "it did not go that badly with me, ill as the
province turned out, that I could not procure eight strapping knaves to
bear me. " (But not a single one was mine either here or there who the
fractured foot of my old bedstead could hoist on his neck. ) And she, like a
pathic girl, "I pray thee," says she, "lend me, my Catullus, those bearers
for a short time, for I wish to be borne to the shrine of Serapis. " "Stay,"
quoth I to the girl, "when I said I had this, my tongue slipped; my friend,
Cinna Gaius, he provided himself with these. In truth, whether his or
mine--what do I trouble?