No More Learning

"By day, if he should be alone--
At home or on a walk--
You merely give a hollow groan,
To indicate the kind of tone
In which you mean to talk.

"But if you find him with his friends,
The thing is rather harder.
In such a case success depends
On picking up some candle-ends,
Or butter, in the larder.

"With this you make a kind of slide
(It answers best with suet),
On which you must contrive to glide,
And swing yourself from side to side--
One soon learns how to do it.

[Picture: And swing yourself from side to side]

"The Second tells us what is right
In ceremonious calls:--
'_First burn a blue or crimson light_'
(A thing I quite forgot to-night),
'_Then scratch the door or walls_. '"

I said "You'll visit _here_ no more,
If you attempt the Guy.
I'll have no bonfires on _my_ floor--
And, as for scratching at the door,
I'd like to see you try! "

"The Third was written to protect
The interests of the Victim,
And tells us, as I recollect,
_To treat him with a grave respect_,
_And not to contradict him_. "

"That's plain," said I, "as Tare and Tret,
To any comprehension:
I only wish _some_ Ghosts I've met
Would not so _constantly_ forget
The maxim that you mention! "

"Perhaps," he said, "_you_ first transgressed
The laws of hospitality:
All Ghosts instinctively detest
The Man that fails to treat his guest
With proper cordiality.

[Picture: And then you're sure to catch it . . . ]

"If you address a Ghost as 'Thing! '
Or strike him with a hatchet,
He is permitted by the King
To drop all _formal_ parleying--
And then you're _sure_ to catch it!
"The Fourth prohibits trespassing
Where other Ghosts are quartered:
And those convicted of the thing
(Unless when pardoned by the King)
Must instantly be slaughtered.

"That simply means 'be cut up small':
Ghosts soon unite anew.
The process scarcely hurts at all--
Not more than when _you_ 're what you call
'Cut up' by a Review.

"The Fifth is one you may prefer
That I should quote entire:--
_The King must be addressed as_ '_Sir_. '
_This_, _from a simple courtier_,
_Is all the Laws require_:

"_But_, _should you wish to do the thing_
_With out-and-out politeness_,
_Accost him as_ '_My Goblin King_!
_And always use_, _in answering_,
_The phrase_ '_Your Royal Whiteness_! '

"I'm getting rather hoarse, I fear,
After so much reciting:
So, if you don't object, my dear,
We'll try a glass of bitter beer--
I think it looks inviting. "

[Picture: We'll try a glass of bitter beer]



CANTO III
Scarmoges


"AND did you really walk," said I,
"On such a wretched night?
I always fancied Ghosts could fly--
If not exactly in the sky,
Yet at a fairish height. "

"It's very well," said he, "for Kings
To soar above the earth:
But Phantoms often find that wings--
Like many other pleasant things--
Cost more than they are worth.

"Spectres of course are rich, and so
Can buy them from the Elves:
But _we_ prefer to keep below--
They're stupid company, you know,
For any but themselves:

"For, though they claim to be exempt
From pride, they treat a Phantom
As something quite beneath contempt--
Just as no Turkey ever dreamt
Of noticing a Bantam. "

[Picture: The phantom]

"They seem too proud," said I, "to go
To houses such as mine.
Pray, how did they contrive to know
So quickly that 'the place was low,'
And that I 'kept bad wine'? "

"Inspector Kobold came to you--"
The little Ghost began.
Here I broke in--"Inspector who?
Inspecting Ghosts is something new!