No More Learning

DEMOSTHENES. Hail! illustrious conqueror, but forget not, that if you
have become a great man, 'tis thanks to me; I ask but a little thing;
appoint me secretary of the law-court in the room of Phanus.

DEMOS (_to the Sausage-seller_). But what is your name then? Tell me.

SAUSAGE-SELLER. My name is Agoracritus, because I have always lived on
the market-place in the midst of lawsuits. [133]

DEMOS. Well then, Agoracritus, I stand by you; as for the Paphlagonian, I
hand him over to your mercy.

AGORACRITUS. Demos, I will care for you to the best of my power, and all
shall admit that no citizen is more devoted than I to this city of
simpletons.

CHORUS. What fitter theme for our Muse, at the close as at the beginning
of his work, than this, to sing the hero who drives his swift steeds down
the arena? Why afflict Lysistratus with our satires on his poverty,[134]
and Thumantis,[135] who has not so much as a lodging?
He is dying of
hunger and can be seen at Delphi, his face bathed in tears, clinging to
your quiver, oh, Apollo! and supplicating you to take him out of his
misery.

An insult directed at the wicked is not to be censured; on the contrary,
the honest man, if he has sense, can only applaud. Him, whom I wish to
brand with infamy, is little known himself; 'tis the brother of
Arignotus. [136] I regret to quote this name which is so dear to me, but
whoever can distinguish black from white, or the Orthian mode of music
from others, knows the virtues of Arignotus, whom his brother,
Ariphrades,[137] in no way resembles. He gloats in vice, is not merely a
dissolute man and utterly debauched--but he has actually invented a new
form of vice; for he pollutes his tongue with abominable pleasures in
brothels licking up that nauseous moisture and befouling his beard as he
tickles the lips of lewd women's private parts. [138] Whoever is not
horrified at such a monster shall never drink from the same cup with me.

At times a thought weighs on me at night; I wonder whence comes this
fearful voracity of Cleonymus. [139] 'Tis said, that when dining with a
rich host, he springs at the dishes with the gluttony of a wild beast and
never leaves the bread-bin until his host seizes him round the knees,
exclaiming, "Go, go, good gentleman, in mercy go, and spare my poor
table! "

'Tis said that the triremes assembled in council and that the oldest
spoke in these terms, "Are you ignorant, my sisters, of what is plotting
in Athens? They say, that a certain Hyperbolus,[140] a bad citizen and an
infamous scoundrel, asks for a hundred of us to take them to sea against
Chalcedon. "[141] All were indignant, and one of them, as yet a virgin,
cried, "May god forbid that I should ever obey him! I would prefer to
grow old in the harbour and be gnawed by worms. No! by the gods I swear
it, Nauphante, daughter of Nauson, shall never bend to his law; 'tis as
true as I am made of wood and pitch. If the Athenians vote for the
proposal of Hyperbolus, let them!