"And did you really walk," said I,
"On such a wretched night?
"On such a wretched night?
Lewis Carroll
_'"
[Illustration: "AND SWING YOURSELF FROM SIDE TO SIDE"]
I said "You'll visit _here_ no more,
If you attempt the Guy.
I'll have no bonfires on _my_ floor--
And, as for scratching at the door,
I'd like to see you try! "
"The Third was written to protect
The interests of the Victim,
And tells us, as I recollect,
_To treat him with a grave respect,
And not to contradict him_. "
"That's plain," said I, "as Tare and Tret,
To any comprehension:
I only wish _some_ Ghosts I've met
Would not so _constantly_ forget
The maxim that you mention! "
"Perhaps," he said, "_you_ first transgressed
The laws of hospitality:
All Ghosts instinctively detest
The Man that fails to treat his guest
With proper cordiality.
[Illustration]
"If you address a Ghost as 'Thing! '
Or strike him with a hatchet,
He is permitted by the King
To drop all _formal_ parleying--
And then you're _sure_ to catch it!
"The Fourth prohibits trespassing
Where other Ghosts are quartered:
And those convicted of the thing
(Unless when pardoned by the King)
Must instantly be slaughtered.
"That simply means 'be cut up small':
Ghosts soon unite anew:
The process scarcely hurts at all--
Not more than when _you're_ what you call
'Cut up' by a Review.
"The Fifth is one you may prefer
That I should quote entire:--
_The King must be addressed as 'Sir. '
This, from a simple courtier,
Is all the Laws require_:
"_But, should you wish to do the thing
With out-and-out politeness,
Accost him as 'My Goblin King! '
And always use, in answering,
The phrase 'Your Royal Whiteness! '_
"I'm getting rather hoarse, I fear,
After so much reciting:
So, if you don't object, my dear,
We'll try a glass of bitter beer--
I think it looks inviting. "
[Illustration]
CANTO III.
Scarmoges.
"And did you really walk," said I,
"On such a wretched night?
I always fancied Ghosts could fly--
If not exactly in the sky,
Yet at a fairish height. "
"It's very well," said he, "for Kings
To soar above the earth:
But Phantoms often find that wings--
Like many other pleasant things--
Cost more than they are worth.
"Spectres of course are rich, and so
Can buy them from the Elves:
But _we_ prefer to keep below--
They're stupid company, you know.
For any but themselves:
[Illustration]
"For, though they claim to be exempt
From pride, they treat a Phantom
As something quite beneath contempt--
Just as no Turkey ever dreamt
Of noticing a Bantam. "
"They seem too proud," said I, "to go
To houses such as mine.
Pray, how did they contrive to know
So quickly that 'the place was low,'
And that I 'kept bad wine'? "
"Inspector Kobold came to you--"
The little Ghost began.
Here I broke in--"Inspector who?
Inspecting Ghosts is something new!
Explain yourself my man! "
"His name is Kobold," said my guest:
"One of the Spectre order:
You'll very often see him dressed
In a yellow gown, a crimson vest,
And a night-cap with a border.
"He tried the Brocken business first,
But caught a sort of chill;
So came to England to be nursed,
And here it took the form of _thirst_,
Which he complains of still.
[Illustration: "AND HERE IT TOOK THE FORM OF _THIRST_"]
"Port-wine, he says, when rich and sound,
Warms his old bones like nectar:
And as the inns, where it is found,
Are his especial hunting-ground,
We call him the _Inn-Spectre_. "
I bore it--bore it like a man--
This agonizing witticism!
And nothing could be sweeter than
My temper, till the Ghost began
Some most provoking criticism.
[Illustration: "AND SWING YOURSELF FROM SIDE TO SIDE"]
I said "You'll visit _here_ no more,
If you attempt the Guy.
I'll have no bonfires on _my_ floor--
And, as for scratching at the door,
I'd like to see you try! "
"The Third was written to protect
The interests of the Victim,
And tells us, as I recollect,
_To treat him with a grave respect,
And not to contradict him_. "
"That's plain," said I, "as Tare and Tret,
To any comprehension:
I only wish _some_ Ghosts I've met
Would not so _constantly_ forget
The maxim that you mention! "
"Perhaps," he said, "_you_ first transgressed
The laws of hospitality:
All Ghosts instinctively detest
The Man that fails to treat his guest
With proper cordiality.
[Illustration]
"If you address a Ghost as 'Thing! '
Or strike him with a hatchet,
He is permitted by the King
To drop all _formal_ parleying--
And then you're _sure_ to catch it!
"The Fourth prohibits trespassing
Where other Ghosts are quartered:
And those convicted of the thing
(Unless when pardoned by the King)
Must instantly be slaughtered.
"That simply means 'be cut up small':
Ghosts soon unite anew:
The process scarcely hurts at all--
Not more than when _you're_ what you call
'Cut up' by a Review.
"The Fifth is one you may prefer
That I should quote entire:--
_The King must be addressed as 'Sir. '
This, from a simple courtier,
Is all the Laws require_:
"_But, should you wish to do the thing
With out-and-out politeness,
Accost him as 'My Goblin King! '
And always use, in answering,
The phrase 'Your Royal Whiteness! '_
"I'm getting rather hoarse, I fear,
After so much reciting:
So, if you don't object, my dear,
We'll try a glass of bitter beer--
I think it looks inviting. "
[Illustration]
CANTO III.
Scarmoges.
"And did you really walk," said I,
"On such a wretched night?
I always fancied Ghosts could fly--
If not exactly in the sky,
Yet at a fairish height. "
"It's very well," said he, "for Kings
To soar above the earth:
But Phantoms often find that wings--
Like many other pleasant things--
Cost more than they are worth.
"Spectres of course are rich, and so
Can buy them from the Elves:
But _we_ prefer to keep below--
They're stupid company, you know.
For any but themselves:
[Illustration]
"For, though they claim to be exempt
From pride, they treat a Phantom
As something quite beneath contempt--
Just as no Turkey ever dreamt
Of noticing a Bantam. "
"They seem too proud," said I, "to go
To houses such as mine.
Pray, how did they contrive to know
So quickly that 'the place was low,'
And that I 'kept bad wine'? "
"Inspector Kobold came to you--"
The little Ghost began.
Here I broke in--"Inspector who?
Inspecting Ghosts is something new!
Explain yourself my man! "
"His name is Kobold," said my guest:
"One of the Spectre order:
You'll very often see him dressed
In a yellow gown, a crimson vest,
And a night-cap with a border.
"He tried the Brocken business first,
But caught a sort of chill;
So came to England to be nursed,
And here it took the form of _thirst_,
Which he complains of still.
[Illustration: "AND HERE IT TOOK THE FORM OF _THIRST_"]
"Port-wine, he says, when rich and sound,
Warms his old bones like nectar:
And as the inns, where it is found,
Are his especial hunting-ground,
We call him the _Inn-Spectre_. "
I bore it--bore it like a man--
This agonizing witticism!
And nothing could be sweeter than
My temper, till the Ghost began
Some most provoking criticism.
