_'
Is the appropriate answer.
Is the appropriate answer.
Lewis Carroll
You shall hear them by and by
This _is_ a piece of luck! "
"What may I offer you? " said I.
"Well, since you _are_ so kind, I'll try
A little bit of duck.
"_One_ slice! And may I ask you for
Another drop of gravy? "
I sat and looked at him in awe,
For certainly I never saw
A thing so white and wavy.
[Illustration]
And still he seemed to grow more white,
More vapoury, and wavier--
Seen in the dim and flickering light,
As he proceeded to recite
His "Maxims of Behaviour. "
CANTO II.
Hys Fyve Rules.
"My First--but don't suppose," he said,
"I'm setting you a riddle--
Is--if your Victim be in bed,
Don't touch the curtains at his head,
But take them in the middle,
"And wave them slowly in and out,
While drawing them asunder;
And in a minute's time, no doubt,
He'll raise his head and look about
With eyes of wrath and wonder.
"And here you must on no pretence
Make the first observation.
Wait for the Victim to commence:
No Ghost of any common sense
Begins a conversation.
[Illustration]
"If he should say '_How came you here? _'
(The way that _you_ began, Sir,)
In such a case your course is clear--
'_On the bat's back, my little dear!
_'
Is the appropriate answer.
"If after this he says no more,
You'd best perhaps curtail your
Exertions--go and shake the door,
And then, if he begins to snore,
You'll know the thing's a failure.
"By day, if he should be alone--
At home or on a walk--
You merely give a hollow groan,
To indicate the kind of tone
In which you mean to talk.
"But if you find him with his friends,
The thing is rather harder.
In such a case success depends
On picking up some candle-ends,
Or butter, in the larder.
"With this you make a kind of slide
(It answers best with suet),
On which you must contrive to glide,
And swing yourself from side to side--
One soon learns how to do it.
"The Second tells us what is right
In ceremonious calls:--
'_First burn a blue or crimson light_'
(A thing I quite forgot to-night),
'_Then scratch the door or walls. _'"
[Illustration: "AND SWING YOURSELF FROM SIDE TO SIDE"]
I said "You'll visit _here_ no more,
If you attempt the Guy.
I'll have no bonfires on _my_ floor--
And, as for scratching at the door,
I'd like to see you try! "
"The Third was written to protect
The interests of the Victim,
And tells us, as I recollect,
_To treat him with a grave respect,
And not to contradict him_. "
"That's plain," said I, "as Tare and Tret,
To any comprehension:
I only wish _some_ Ghosts I've met
Would not so _constantly_ forget
The maxim that you mention! "
"Perhaps," he said, "_you_ first transgressed
The laws of hospitality:
All Ghosts instinctively detest
The Man that fails to treat his guest
With proper cordiality.
[Illustration]
"If you address a Ghost as 'Thing! '
Or strike him with a hatchet,
He is permitted by the King
To drop all _formal_ parleying--
And then you're _sure_ to catch it!
"The Fourth prohibits trespassing
Where other Ghosts are quartered:
And those convicted of the thing
(Unless when pardoned by the King)
Must instantly be slaughtered.
"That simply means 'be cut up small':
Ghosts soon unite anew:
The process scarcely hurts at all--
Not more than when _you're_ what you call
'Cut up' by a Review.
This _is_ a piece of luck! "
"What may I offer you? " said I.
"Well, since you _are_ so kind, I'll try
A little bit of duck.
"_One_ slice! And may I ask you for
Another drop of gravy? "
I sat and looked at him in awe,
For certainly I never saw
A thing so white and wavy.
[Illustration]
And still he seemed to grow more white,
More vapoury, and wavier--
Seen in the dim and flickering light,
As he proceeded to recite
His "Maxims of Behaviour. "
CANTO II.
Hys Fyve Rules.
"My First--but don't suppose," he said,
"I'm setting you a riddle--
Is--if your Victim be in bed,
Don't touch the curtains at his head,
But take them in the middle,
"And wave them slowly in and out,
While drawing them asunder;
And in a minute's time, no doubt,
He'll raise his head and look about
With eyes of wrath and wonder.
"And here you must on no pretence
Make the first observation.
Wait for the Victim to commence:
No Ghost of any common sense
Begins a conversation.
[Illustration]
"If he should say '_How came you here? _'
(The way that _you_ began, Sir,)
In such a case your course is clear--
'_On the bat's back, my little dear!
_'
Is the appropriate answer.
"If after this he says no more,
You'd best perhaps curtail your
Exertions--go and shake the door,
And then, if he begins to snore,
You'll know the thing's a failure.
"By day, if he should be alone--
At home or on a walk--
You merely give a hollow groan,
To indicate the kind of tone
In which you mean to talk.
"But if you find him with his friends,
The thing is rather harder.
In such a case success depends
On picking up some candle-ends,
Or butter, in the larder.
"With this you make a kind of slide
(It answers best with suet),
On which you must contrive to glide,
And swing yourself from side to side--
One soon learns how to do it.
"The Second tells us what is right
In ceremonious calls:--
'_First burn a blue or crimson light_'
(A thing I quite forgot to-night),
'_Then scratch the door or walls. _'"
[Illustration: "AND SWING YOURSELF FROM SIDE TO SIDE"]
I said "You'll visit _here_ no more,
If you attempt the Guy.
I'll have no bonfires on _my_ floor--
And, as for scratching at the door,
I'd like to see you try! "
"The Third was written to protect
The interests of the Victim,
And tells us, as I recollect,
_To treat him with a grave respect,
And not to contradict him_. "
"That's plain," said I, "as Tare and Tret,
To any comprehension:
I only wish _some_ Ghosts I've met
Would not so _constantly_ forget
The maxim that you mention! "
"Perhaps," he said, "_you_ first transgressed
The laws of hospitality:
All Ghosts instinctively detest
The Man that fails to treat his guest
With proper cordiality.
[Illustration]
"If you address a Ghost as 'Thing! '
Or strike him with a hatchet,
He is permitted by the King
To drop all _formal_ parleying--
And then you're _sure_ to catch it!
"The Fourth prohibits trespassing
Where other Ghosts are quartered:
And those convicted of the thing
(Unless when pardoned by the King)
Must instantly be slaughtered.
"That simply means 'be cut up small':
Ghosts soon unite anew:
The process scarcely hurts at all--
Not more than when _you're_ what you call
'Cut up' by a Review.
